How Family Violence Affects Children
Children are victims too. When someone uses violence or control against their partner, they’re harming the whole family. This can start before a child is even born.
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What Children Experience
- Witnessing violence or threats against family members or strangers
- Being physically hurt, humiliated, or sexually abused
- Watching a parent being put down or criticized
- Being encouraged to join in abusing their other parent
- Unsafe situations like dangerous driving or being left unsupervised
- Having their schooling, health care, or routines disrupted
- Being used to spy on, track, or send messages to the other parent
- Missing out on basics like school supplies, phones, or activities because money is withheld
The Effects on Kids
Behaviour: Acting out, aggression, defiance. Or the opposite—withdrawing, hiding, running away. Walking on eggshells, taking on adult responsibilities, or turning to drugs/alcohol as teens.
Emotions: Fear, anxiety, depression, anger, shame, isolation, and insecurity.
School: Trouble concentrating (always watching for danger), missing school, changing schools frequently.
Relationships: Learning that violence is normal, pushing people away, or attaching to unsafe people to feel secure.
Development: Acting younger than their age, struggling with normal milestones, limits on what they can say or do.
Physical health: Headaches, stomach aches, rashes, sleep problems, bedwetting or injury.
Self-esteem: Thinking they’re bad or that everyone hates them.
Recognizing Signs Through Art and Stories
When children experience abuse, talking directly about it can feel scary or dangerous. Instead, they express what’s happening through drawings and pretend play—it feels safer to their brain.
The drawing in this video was done by a 5 year old child in Tasmania whose father had threatened to shoot her mother. The words in the video are hers as an adult.
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Warning Signs in Drawings
- Body parts that seem “off”: Huge hands (grabbing), missing mouths (can’t speak), oversized eyes (always watching for danger)
- Heavy use of dark colors: Lots of black or red, chaotic scribbling
- Symbolic images: Rain, storms, cages, walls, locked doors, houses with no windows
- Isolation: Drawing themselves far away from others, especially a parent
- Missing features: People with no faces, arms, or mouths (feeling powerless or silenced)
- Threatening elements: Scary animals or monsters cornering the child
- Emotion markers: Tears, angry faces, X marks over people
Warning Signs in Stories
Their imaginary stories often reveal real feelings:
- A bad guy who never gets in trouble
- The main character always trying to escape, hide, or rescue someone
- Themes of being blamed, not believed, or trapped
- Fake-sounding happy endings that don’t match the story
- Missing characters (especially leaving out a parent)
- The child always has to be the strong one or take care of others
Other Red Flags
- They destroy or hide their artwork afterward
- They’re secretive about parts of their story
- Their drawings get worse or darker after seeing a particular person
- Their stories hint at things that don’t match what they tell you directly
Why This Happens
Trauma can shut down the part of the brain that uses words. The creative, visual part takes over instead. Drawing and storytelling become safe ways to tell the truth without directly naming what’s happening.
What You Should Do
Ask open questions (don’t lead them):
- “Tell me about this person”
- “What happens next?”
- “What would this picture say if it could talk?”
Important:
- Don’t correct or dismiss what they create
- Look for patterns over time, not just one drawing
- Get help from a trauma-informed art therapist if you’re seeing these signs regularly
Protecting Your Kids
Talk to Them (Age-Appropriate)
Young kids: “Mummy and daddy have big problems and it’s not safe. It’s not your fault.” Teach them to call 000, practice going to a safe place, use a code word.
Older kids: Be more honest. Teach them about healthy relationships, give them trusted adults’ numbers, make sure they know it’s not their job to fix things.
Key Messages
- It’s not their fault
- Get themselves safe first
- Never get in the middle of violence
- Call 000 in emergencies
- Their feelings (scared, angry, confused) are okay
School/Childcare Safety
- Give them a photo of your ex and any court orders
- Specify who can pick up kids
- Update emergency contacts
- Ask them not to release information or photos
Technology
- Check kids’ devices for tracking apps
- Change passwords, turn off location services
- Talk to them about not sharing information about you
- Be aware your ex might use their devices to monitor you
Why Kids Sometimes Want to Go Back to the Perpetrator
Don’t blame your child—there are real reasons this happens.
Why They Choose to Go Back
Abuse becomes normal: Kids grow up thinking this is just how families work. They don’t see it as wrong—it’s just “how things are.” After leaving, they’re confused and want to go back to what feels familiar.
They feel safer with the abuser: It sounds strange, but sometimes kids would rather know exactly where their abuser is than live with the other parent while constantly worrying about what might happen next.
Everything changes when they leave: Often mums have to leave without money or a job, move to a new town, change schools, lose friends and family. The abusive parent (usually the dad) stays financially stable while the kids struggle with losing everything familiar.
Manipulation works: The abusive parent can twist the facts, and kids make decisions based on those lies.
The abuser was the “fun parent”: They got to be the one doing fun activities while the other parent handled discipline and keeping everything running smoothly on a daily basis . Kids think going back means more fun and freedom.
They didn’t get help: Most kids who go back haven’t received proper trauma support after leaving. When they return, the abuse often gets turned on them, now that the other parent isn’t there.
Guilt: Kids feel terrible about having to choose one parent over the other and leaving one parent to go back to the other.
What Parents Should Know
When kids go back to their abuser, it makes sense to them even if it seems incomprehensible to everyone else.
If this happens to you:
- Don’t see your child as a traitor
- Understand circumstances dictate their choices
- Give them time to figure things out
- Keep the door open—no judgment
- Be there if and when they’re ready to come back
How Kids Recover
Recovery depends on:
- Safety first: No more violence and avoiding trauma triggers
- Support: A “protective cocoon” of care from trusted adults
- Understanding environments: Schools and services that get it
- Stability: Secure routines and living situations
- Counselling: Trauma-informed support when needed
- Strong attachments: Rebuilding trust with a safe parent or caregiver
Other helpful factors include having trusted adults (grandparents, teachers, coaches), being part of sports or activities, and having internal strengths like hobbies or a positive outlook.
Kids from refugee, migrant, Aboriginal or Torres Strait Islander, LGBTIQA+, or disability backgrounds may face extra barriers and need additional support.
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