The stories we tell ourselves about family violence matter. When we get them wrong, people suffer in silence and perpetrators face no consequences.
Let’s look at some common myths
Myth 1: “It’s not abuse if there’s no physical violence”
Reality: Coercive control can be just as damaging – or more – without any physical violence. The constant control, manipulation, isolation, and psychological abuse can hurt someone just as much as being hit. In fact, many victims say the emotional and psychological abuse was worse than the physical violence.
Myth 2: “Victims can just leave if it’s really that bad”
Reality: Leaving an abusive relationship is complex. Leaving is often the most dangerous time for victims. Perpetrators may escalate violence when they feel they’re losing control. Victims face real barriers: no money (the perpetrator controls it all), nowhere to go, fear for their children’s safety, fear the perpetrator will find them, or believing threats that they’ll lose custody of their kids. It’s not as simple as walking out the door.
Myth 3: “It only happens in certain types of families – poor families, uneducated families, or families with drug/alcohol problems”
Reality: Family violence happens in ALL types of families in Tasmania – rich, poor, educated, professional, rural, urban, all cultures and backgrounds. Doctors, lawyers, teachers, tradies, farmers – Perpetrators come from every walk of life. Money and education don’t prevent abuse.
Myth 4: “If it was really that bad, someone would have noticed”
Reality: Perpetrators are often charming and well-liked in public. They might be pillars of the community, coaches, volunteers, or popular at work. The abuse happens behind closed doors where no one can see. Victims often hide it because of shame or fear of the consequences. Victims can be very skilled at masking their situation.
Myth 5: “Alcohol or drugs cause the abuse”
Reality: Substance abuse might be present, but it’s not the cause. Plenty of people drink or use drugs and don’t abuse their partners. Many perpetrators abuse their partner when they are sober. The abuse is about wanting power and control. Substances might lower inhibitions, but they don’t create the desire to dominate another person. Alcohol is an excuse, not an explanation.
Myth 6: “Victims are weak or must like it if they stay”
Reality: Staying doesn’t mean weakness or consent. It takes incredible strength to survive in an abusive relationship. People stay for many reasons: fear, financial dependence, children, love for the person (or who they used to be or sometimes are), religious or cultural beliefs, immigration status, disability, or nowhere else to go. Judgment doesn’t help – support does.
Myth 7: “It’s a private family matter – outsiders shouldn’t get involved”
Reality: Family violence is a crime, not a private issue. In Tasmania, like everywhere in Australia, it’s against the law. Communities, friends, family, and neighbours can play a crucial role in supporting victims and holding perpetrators accountable. Staying silent allows the abuse to continue. Silence protects perpetrators, not families.
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The culture of “staying out of other people’s business” needs to change. No longer can we be passive bystanders. We need to be active bystanders wherever and whenever it is safe to do so. An active bystander is someone who intervenes to challenge behaviour that is discriminatory, harmful or inappropriate. They not only witness the situation but also take action to prevent it from escalating and make attempts to disrupt problematic behaviour. Being an active bystander often requires courage, but the crucial part is that action is taken in a way that keeps themselves and others safe. Deb T, Author and Engender Equality Advocate for Change |
Myth 8: “Men can’t be victims of family violence”
Reality: While the majority of victims are women, men can absolutely be victims too. They face additional barriers like stigma, not being believed, or feeling ashamed. Male victims deserve support and should be taken seriously.
Myth 9: “If they fight back or yell too, it’s just a toxic relationship – both are to blame”
Reality: There’s a difference between mutual conflict and coercive control. Victims may yell, push back, or defend themselves, but that doesn’t make it a “both sides” situation. One person is trying to control and dominate; the other is trying to survive. Self-defence or reactionary behaviour isn’t the same as being a perpetrator.
Myth 10: “Once a perpetrator, always a perpetrator – they can’t change”
Reality: Change is possible but requires the perpetrator to genuinely want to change, take full responsibility, and do serious work (usually with specialized intervention programs). However, real change is rare and takes years – victims shouldn’t stay hoping for change that may never come.
Myth 11: “In rural Tasmania, help is too far away or unavailable”
Reality: While distance can be a challenge, support services exist across Tasmania, including in rural and remote areas. Phone and online support is available 24/7. Organizations like Safe Homes Safe Families, Family Violence Counselling and Support Service, and the Family Violence Response and Referral Line (1800 633 937) serve all Tasmanians.
Myth 12: “The abuse will stop once they’re married/have kids/retire/etc.”
Reality: Major life events don’t stop abuse – they often make it worse. Marriage, pregnancy, and childbirth are common times when abuse escalates because the perpetrator feels they have more control and the victim is more trapped.
Myth 13: “Aboriginal families have more violence because of their culture”
Reality: Violence is NOT part of Aboriginal culture. Family violence in Aboriginal communities is a result of colonization, intergenerational trauma, and ongoing systemic racism – not culture. Aboriginal communities are working hard to address violence while respecting and rebuilding their cultural practices.
Myth14: “Children aren’t affected if they don’t see the violence”
Reality: Family violence has significant consequences for children and young people. Even if they don’t see or experience abuse, they’re still impacted by seeing things like injuries to a parent or damage to property. Children who witness family violence can experience impacts on their physical, emotional and brain development, their sense of security, mental health, and ability to cope.
Myth15: “Women commit as much violence as men”
Reality: While anyone can be a victim or perpetrator, research shows family violence is predominantly perpetrated by men against women. In Tasmania in 2023-2024 female victim-survivors accounted for around 85% of family violence incidents reported to police. Research shows that men are most likely to experience violence by a stranger in a place of entertainment, while women are most likely to experience violence by someone they know in their home. Both men and women face barriers to reporting, but the nature, severity, and impacts of violence differ significantly.
Myth 16: “They must have provoked it”
Reality: No one deserves to be abused, regardless of their behaviour. All couples argue, but using violence, threats, and control to dominate a partner is a choice made by the person using violence. The responsibility for violence rests solely with the person who chooses to be violent.
Myth 17: “If you loved me, you’d do it”
Reality: Love does not come with conditions, threats or pressure. Using love as leverage to coerce or control a partner is manipulation. Real love respects boundaries — it does not weaponise affection to get what it wants.
Myth 18: “She would have left if the children were really at risk.”
Reality: Many victims stay precisely to protect their children. Leaving is not simple — perpetrators often threaten to take the children, and victims fear that leaving could put them at greater risk. Staying can be an act of protection, not passivity.
Myth 19: “It was just a one-off — everyone loses their temper sometimes.”
Reality: Family violence is not about losing temper — it is about power and control. It is rarely a single incident. It is a deliberate pattern of behaviour that typically escalates in frequency and severity over time. Dismissing it as a one-off allows it to continue.
Myth 20: “Real violence leaves visible marks.”
Reality: Some of the most serious and lasting harm caused by family violence is completely invisible. Emotional abuse, coercive control, financial abuse, isolation and intimidation can destroy a person’s confidence, safety and freedom without leaving a single bruise. These are not lesser forms of violence — they are family violence.
Myth 21: “If she didn’t want it to happen, she would have fought back.”
Reality: Freezing is a well-documented and completely natural response to trauma and fear. The absence of physical resistance does not indicate consent or acceptance. Judging a victim’s response against what we imagine we might do ignores the reality of living under threat and control.
Myth 22:”Family violence isn’t really an issue in Tasmania.”
Reality: Each year, an estimated 933 Tasmanian women return to a violent partner or become homeless because they cannot find safe housing after experiencing family violence. It is not happening somewhere else — it is happening in our streets, our suburbs and our communities, right now.
Myth 23:”He’s such a good father — he would never hurt the children.”
Reality: Children who live in a home where one parent is abused by another are experiencing family violence — even if it is never directed at them. The trauma, fear and instability caused by that environment causes real and lasting harm. Choosing to use violence against a partner is a choice that affects the whole family.
Myth 24:”Women make false accusations of family violence all the time.”
Reality: Research consistently shows that false reports of family violence are rare. Coming forward takes enormous courage — many victims face disbelief, victim-blaming and real risk to their safety when they speak out. Most wait a long time before doing so, and many never do. Perpetuating this myth silences victims and protects perpetrators.
Myth 25: “It can’t be family violence if they’re not married or living together.”
Reality: Family violence occurs across all relationship types — dating relationships, same-sex relationships, long-distance relationships and relationships that have ended. Violence does not require a marriage certificate or a shared address to be real, serious and criminal.
Myth 26: “Perpetrators are monsters — you’d know one if you saw one.”
Reality: Most perpetrators are charming, well-regarded and respected members of their communities. They are colleagues, neighbours, community leaders and friends. Family violence is hidden precisely because the person using it can so easily maintain a very different public face. This is part of how it continues unchallenged.
Myth 27: “Once a victim, always a victim.”
Reality: Surviving family violence is an act of enormous strength. With the right support, survivors rebuild safe, connected and empowered lives. Experience of family violence does not define a person — it does not determine their future, and it is never a life sentence.
WHY DO WE NEED TO CHALLENGE THE MYTHS?
Myths keep victims trapped. When someone believes “real abuse” only involves broken bones, they might not recognize the partner who controls every dollar they spend or constantly tears down their self-worth as abusive. When people think victims “just need to leave,” they don’t understand why a mother with no money and nowhere to go might stay with someone dangerous. These misunderstandings keep people isolated and ashamed, less likely to reach out for help.
Myths let perpetrators off the hook. When we blame alcohol, stress, or “anger issues,” we’re making excuses for deliberate choices about power and control. When we say “it takes two” or suggest victims somehow provoked the abuse, we’re shifting responsibility away from the person actually causing harm. Perpetrators don’t need our understanding – they need accountability.
Myths stop communities from helping. If your neighbour thinks family violence only happens in “rough” families or to “certain types of people,” they might miss the warning signs in their own street. If professionals believe common stereotypes, they might fail to identify abuse or take it seriously. When we don’t understand how dangerous leaving can be, we give advice that puts people at greater risk.
The truth is more complex and more hopeful. Family violence happens across every background and income level. It’s about one person choosing to dominate and control another. Victims are incredibly strong, making impossible decisions to survive and protect their children. And when communities understand what’s really happening, they can offer real support and demand real change.
Challenging myths isn’t just about getting the facts straight. It’s about creating a world where victims are believed, supported, and safe – and where violence has nowhere to hide.