What Does a Healthy Relationship Look Like?
Good relationships — whether it’s your partner, family, friends, or work mates — all share some key qualities that make them feel safe, fair, and fulfilling. Here’s what to look for.
You Can Trust Each Other
Trust means doing what you say you’ll do, being honest, and keeping each other’s secrets. When there’s trust, you both feel safe enough to be real with each other.
- You keep your promises
- You tell the truth, even when it’s hard
- You don’t go through each other’s phones or messages
- You believe what they tell you unless there’s a real reason not to
- You can share how you’re feeling without worrying it’ll be used against you
You Respect Each Other
Respect is about valuing each other’s feelings and opinions. It means being kind to each other, even when you’re having a disagreement.
- You listen without cutting each other off
- You value each other’s thoughts, even when you don’t agree
- You speak kindly — no name-calling or putting each other down
- You let each other make their own choices about their body and life
- You support each other’s goals and dreams
You Talk to Each Other Honestly
How you talk to each other really matters. You should both be able to say what’s on your mind without being scared of what’ll happen.
- You share your thoughts and feelings openly
- You really listen to each other, not just wait for your turn to talk
- You ask for what you need instead of expecting mind reading
- You talk about problems calmly and are willing to have the tough conversations
- You tell each other when you appreciate something they’ve done
You Both Have Boundaries
Boundaries are about what’s okay and what’s not okay in your relationship. They make sure you both respect each other’s needs and personal space.
- You both have time to yourselves and your own interests
- You can both say “no” without feeling guilty or scared
- You respect each other’s personal space
- You both keep your own friends and don’t have to do everything together
- Physical stuff only happens when you both want it
Things Are Equal Between You
In good relationships, you both get a say in decisions. It’s not one person always calling the shots.
- You make decisions together by talking things through
- Both of you are heard and the load is shared fairly
- Money decisions are made together
- You both have equal say in the relationship
You Support Each Other
You should feel like your partner, friends, or family have your back. They build you up, not tear you down.
- You celebrate each other’s wins
- You’re there for each other when things are tough
- You encourage each other’s careers, study, and personal goals
- You appreciate what each other brings to the table
You’re Still Your Own Person
Good relationships have togetherness and separateness. You don’t lose yourself in the relationship.
- You spend time apart doing your own thing
- You keep your own friends and hobbies
- You have your own goals and can make some decisions on your own
- You can have your own views and beliefs
You Sort Out Arguments the Right Way
Disagreements happen — that’s normal. What matters is how you deal with them.
- You talk about problems calmly and respectfully
- You listen to understand, not just to win
- You take a break if things get too heated
- You find compromises that work for both of you
- You actually sort things out instead of letting them fester
You Feel Safe
You need to feel physically and emotionally safe to really connect with someone.
- You’re never scared of being hurt
- You feel free to say what you think and feel
- There are no threats or violence
- You feel relaxed and secure, not constantly anxious
- You don’t feel like you’re walking on eggshells
Red Flags — When Something Isn’t Right
Red flags are warning signs that a relationship may not be healthy. Some can feel subtle at first — even flattering. Trust your instincts. If something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t.
They Try to Control You
This is one of the biggest red flags — when someone tries to control what you do, who you see, or how you live your life.
- Telling you what to wear, eat, or how to do your hair
- Deciding who you can see and where you can go
- Making you ask permission for everyday things
- Cutting you off from your friends and family
- Controlling all the money
- Checking your phone, emails, or social media constantly
- Constantly tracking where you are
Why it matters: Control takes away your independence and makes you feel trapped. This behaviour often escalates over time.
They’re Extremely Jealous and Possessive
A little jealousy is normal, but too much shows deep insecurity and can lead to controlling and abusive behaviour.
- Repeatedly accusing you of cheating for no reason
- Getting angry when you talk to other people
- Wanting to know where you are at all times
- Rocking up unexpectedly to check on you
- Acting like they own you
- Demanding all your passwords
Why it matters: Being possessive means they see you as property, not an equal partner. This often gets worse over time.
They Come on Really Strong (Love Bombing)
Love bombing is when someone overwhelms you with attention, affection, gifts, or compliments early on to hook you in and gain control.
- Moving way too fast into the relationship
- Saying they love you really early on
- Constantly texting, calling, and messaging
- Seeming “too good to be true”
- Wanting to spend every single moment together straight away
- Talking about serious commitments very quickly
Why it matters: It might seem romantic, but it’s often manipulation. Once you’re committed, they may become controlling or abusive.
They Cut You Off from Everyone
Trying to separate you from your friends, family, and support network is a major red flag.
- Telling you to stop seeing your friends or family
- Starting fights with people you’re close to
- Making you feel guilty for spending time with others
- Being rude or hostile around your friends or family
- Moving you far away from everyone you know
Why it matters: Isolation makes you more dependent on them and makes it harder to get help or see the relationship clearly.
They Put You Down All the Time
Regular criticism, insults, and put-downs are emotional abuse that damages your self-esteem.
- Name-calling, insults, or mean “jokes”
- Criticising how you look, your intelligence, or what you’re good at
- Making you feel worthless or saying no one else would want you
- Disguising insults as “just joking”
- Embarrassing you in front of others
Why it matters: Constant criticism is designed to make you feel small and dependent, hurting your confidence and making it harder to leave.
They Have Explosive Anger or Are Really Unpredictable
Getting angry is normal, but how someone expresses it matters. Explosive anger or wild mood swings are serious red flags.
- Rage that’s way out of proportion to what happened
- Punching walls, throwing things, breaking stuff
- Sudden mood swings from loving to furious
- Making you feel like you’re walking on eggshells
- Being lovely in public but explosive when you’re alone
- Blaming their anger on you
Why it matters: Explosive anger creates fear. Violence toward objects often turns into violence toward people.
They Make You Question Reality (Gaslighting)
Gaslighting is when someone makes you doubt your own memory or sanity.
- Denying things happened even when you know they did
- Telling you you’re “too sensitive” or “crazy”
- Twisting facts to make you question your memory
- Acting completely different in public than at home
- Making you feel like you’re the problem
Why it matters: Gaslighting messes with your head and makes it hard to trust yourself, leaving you dependent on their version of events.
Any Kind of Abuse
Any form of abuse is absolutely unacceptable. Abuse is never the victim’s fault, and it almost always gets worse over time without real intervention.
- Any physical violence — hitting, pushing, choking, grabbing
- Forcing or pressuring you into sexual activity
- Threatening to hurt you, your children, your pets, or themselves
- Not letting you leave during arguments
Please get help immediately. If you are in danger right now, call 000. For confidential support call 1800 RESPECT on 1800 737 732, available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
Trust Your Gut
Sometimes you can’t quite put your finger on it, but something feels off. Trust that feeling.
- Feeling anxious or on edge around them
- Making excuses for their behaviour to others
- Feeling worse about yourself since the relationship started
- Your friends or family are worried
- You feel relieved when they’re not around
Your instincts are powerful. If something feels wrong, it probably is. You deserve to feel safe and respected in every relationship.
Abuse Comes in Many Forms
Abuse is not just physical. It shows up in many different ways, and it can be hard to recognise — especially when it happens gradually or is dressed up as love, concern, or cultural tradition.
- Physical abuse — Hurting someone’s body on purpose: hitting, pushing, slapping, choking, or burning. Find out more.
- Psychological abuse — Messing with someone’s head and feelings to make them feel worthless or doubt their reality. Find out more.
- Verbal abuse — Using words to hurt: yelling, name-calling, constant criticism, or humiliation. Find out more.
- Sexual abuse — Forcing or pressuring someone into any sexual activity they don’t want. Ignoring when someone says no. Find out more.
- Social abuse — Cutting someone off from their friends and family. Stopping them from seeing people they care about or embarrassing them in public. Find out more.
- Financial abuse — Controlling all the money so someone can’t leave or be independent. Find out more.
- Reproductive abuse — Being stopped from making your own choices about your reproductive health. Find out more.
- Spiritual abuse — Using religion or spirituality to control someone or justify abuse. Find out more.
- Cultural abuse — Denying someone’s cultural beliefs or using their culture or immigration status against them. Find out more.
- Legal abuse — Using the law or legal threats to scare and control someone. Find out more.
- Elder abuse — Mistreating an older person, especially when they depend on help with daily life. Find out more.
- Digital abuse — Using phones, computers, or social media to control or harass: checking messages, demanding passwords, tracking location. Find out more.
- Image-based abuse — Sharing or threatening to share intimate images without consent. Find out more.
- Stalking and monitoring — Repeatedly harassing someone or monitoring their movements in ways designed to scare and control them. Find out more.
- Neglect — Being denied the things you need to live a safe, comfortable, healthy life. Find out more.
- Coercive control — A pattern of behaviour that strips away someone’s liberty and sense of self through isolation, threats, surveillance, and humiliation. Learn more about coercive control.
These forms of abuse often overlap or occur together. If you recognise any of these patterns — in your own relationship or someone else’s — support is available. You don’t have to figure this out alone.
Understanding the Cycle of Abuse
Abusive relationships often follow a repeating pattern known as the cycle of abuse. Understanding this cycle can help you make sense of confusing experiences — and recognise that things are unlikely to improve without real change.
The Four Phases
1. Tension building — Your partner becomes increasingly irritable, moody, or withdrawn. You walk on eggshells trying to keep the peace. There’s a sense that something bad is coming, and you may find yourself trying harder to please them.
2. Incident — The abusive behaviour occurs. This might be physical violence, verbal abuse, emotional or psychological abuse, sexual abuse, or destruction of property. It can be triggered by something seemingly minor, or appear to happen without warning.
3. Remorse — The person may apologise profusely, promise to change, or minimise what happened. They may cry, beg for forgiveness, or claim “it will never happen again.” This phase can make you feel hopeful that things will improve.
4. Honeymoon — A period of calm and affection. The person may shower you with attention, be helpful, or act as though the incident never happened. You may see glimpses of the person you fell in love with. Without real change, tension will begin building again and the cycle will repeat.
Why the Cycle Continues
Hope for change — The remorse and honeymoon phases create genuine hope that the abuse will stop permanently, especially when the person seems truly sorry.
Emotional attachment — You may still love your partner and remember the good times, making it hard to leave.
Self-doubt — The perpetrator may convince you that you’re overreacting, that the abuse wasn’t serious, or that you’re partly to blame.
Isolation — By this stage, you may have been cut off from the friends and family who could help you see the situation clearly.
Fear — Violence often escalates when the perpetrator feels they’re losing control. Leaving can feel more dangerous than staying.
Financial dependence — Financial abuse may have left you without the resources to leave safely.
Trauma bonding — The alternating pattern of abuse and kindness can create a powerful psychological bond that’s difficult to break.
Breaking the Cycle
The cycle of abuse rarely stops without real intervention — not just promises. It typically escalates over time, with shorter calm periods and more severe incidents. If you recognise this pattern in your relationship, please reach out. Professional support, safety planning, and specialist services can help you find a path forward.
Remember: if your partner has chosen to use abuse, it is never your fault. You deserve a relationship where this cycle simply doesn’t exist.
Ready to talk to someone? Call 1800 RESPECT on 1800 737 732 — available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. If you are in immediate danger, call 000.