FOR FRIENDS AND LOVED ONES – BECOMING AN ALLY
“An ally is someone who provides emotional support and practical assistance to another. To be an ally of someone who is experiencing domestic violence, you need to be able to listen, validate their experience, and, if possible and safe, provide tangible forms of support.”
Safe and Together Institute
This page is for friends and family who know or suspect that a loved one is being abused through domestic violence and/or coercive control and would like to know how to best support them. Family and friends are the most important sources of support for victims of coercive control and domestic violence and are often the first people they turn to for help.
Learning that our friend or loved one is being abused, often by someone we know, can be shocking and challenging. Despite our best intentions, unless we have knowledge and an understanding of coercive control and family violence, our first responses may not be helpful and may cause the victim to feel isolated.
A positive first experience talking about the abuse can make the difference between safety and increased isolation for a victim. Knowing what to say and what not to say can help you become an ally and be a source of support and safety for your friend or loved one.
In this section, the courageous victim survivors who informed this website have contributed what they wanted and needed when they first disclosed what was happening to them.
WHAT NOT TO DO
EFFECTIVE ALLY RESPONSES
- BELIEVE WHAT IS BEING SAID. The most common response experienced by victim survivors is that others do not want to believe what they are describing. Often abusers are charming and likeable to many people in their lives. When that is our experience and we are confronted with information that challenges our positive view of them, our responses can be to doubt or deny what we are being told, dismiss the information or excuse the behaviour.
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I never thought of myself as an abused woman. Even through all the things he did. I thought that I was a strong woman in love with a deeply troubled man and I could help him. Deb H Victim Survivor and Advocate |
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Stop diminishing, dismissing, or excusing the abuser’s behaviour. These factors enable an abuser and do not hold the perpetrator to account. If abusers are held accountable, they may be compelled to stop abusing and seek help. Deb T Victim Survivor, Author and Advocate for Change |
- STATE THAT ABUSERS CHOOSE TO ABUSE AND IT’S THEIR CHOICE TO STOP ABUSING. Abusers who choose violence and coercive control try to hold on to that control or power by telling the victim that it is their fault over and over again e.g. “See what you made me do” This is a power game designed to manipulate and control the victim. When you, an ally, tell the victim survivor that the abuse is not their fault, it can help them feel safer talking to you about what is going on and reduce the power that their abuser has over their thoughts and feelings.
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I wish I knew that there is no excuse for abuse. I was screaming at him when he hit me so hard, he broke my neck. I was screaming and screaming and you know, whether it’s retaliation or whether it’s like in my case and probably a lot of others, he knew how to trigger me and that was part of his thing was to trigger me until he said, see what you made me do. See who’s the violent one. Deb H Advocate for Change |
Tell the victim survivor that the abuser’s control and violence is not her fault and that the person choosing coercive control and violence is 100% responsible for their own behaviour and the consequences of that behaviour. Here are some examples of what to say:
• I am here for you.
• It’s never your fault and you have not done anything to cause this abuse.
• No one should be treated this way.
• You didn’t do anything to deserve this.
• You and the children deserve to be safe and nurtured.
• These are not the actions of someone who is loving.
• You are not crazy to want to be safe and treated with respect.
• You did nothing to provoke this, his behaviours are his choice.
• It is not ok for him to treat you that way.
• Of course, you are scared/hurt/confused/angry; that is understandable considering his behaviour.
• Even if you’ve made mistakes, he has no right to abuse you.
You cannot say these things too often. Victim survivors have been told often for years, sometimes decades, that they caused the abuse. They often carry a heavy burden of guilt and shame and a sense of responsibility for what is happening.
- TELL THEM ALL THE THINGS THAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT! Victim survivors are often managing to keep jobs, maintain relationships, parent children and work hard to make the relationship work with their partner. Your friend or loved one’s sense of self and ability to plan for safety is increased when you acknowledge the things she is doing right. Tell her again and again. Your recognition can go a long way to challenging the abuse of the person choosing violence.
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I wish I hadn’t felt so alone. For months, I wandered through my own life, trying desperately to understand what I was meant to do, who I was meant to be. I buried myself in learning, in educating myself, because it was the only thing that felt like a lifeline. I’d tell myself over and over to keep looking, to notice the small signs, the subtle behaviours, anything that whispered that something wasn’t right. But most of all, I wish someone had truly seen me in all that confusion and quiet despair. Tania Victim Survivor and Advocate for Change |
- BE PATIENT AND RESPECT YOUR FRIEND OR LOVED ONES DECISIONS. As allies, we need to create safe, supportive, and empowering spaces for friends and loved ones who have known the trauma of coercive control and family violence. Some victim survivors are ready to talk and others need more time, understanding and safety. Everyone’s healing journey is different and each journey must be led by the victim survivor. There is often shame and humiliation about what has happened. Be loving and supportive as you listen and gently ask questions. Follow her lead. You are listening and asking about the following:
• The impact that those abusive behaviours have had on her, the children and the functioning of their family. People who choose to use violence can traumatize other family members – including children – make daily functioning harder, and cause major disruptions to the family, like forcing them to move.
• Behaviours that may be putting her and her children in serious danger.
• How the person choosing violence has responded to interventions or efforts to get help in the past. Knowing how a friend or loved one’s partner has responded in the past to outside involvement can help you assess the risk to your loved one and yourself. Here is a partial list of behaviours to help you identify if the person who chooses violence may escalate over outside help:
- Escalating violence or control after an attempt to leave
- Violence or threats directed at law enforcement
- Threatening behaviour directed at friends and family who have tried to help
- Continuation or escalation of violence in response to an intervention order or arrest.
The partner’s status in the community and connections to law enforcement may mean they feel like they can act with complete freedom. The presence of any of these factors means great caution needs to be taken when helping out your friend or loved one.
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My loved ones were most supportive when they listened but did not tell me what I should do about being abused. Telling me what to do felt like I was being controlled, that I didn’t know what was best or safest for me, at the time, not permitted to move at my own pace. I felt that I had little control when a friend or loved one directed me, just as I felt with my abuser.’ Support is most helpful when the person I disclose abuse to doesn’t discount my concerns or question my experiences when they say, ‘are you sure your partner isn’t behaving this way because he/she is under stress?’ Or ‘are you sure you’re not exaggerating, he/she always seems like such a nice person to me.’ Deb T Victim Survivor, Author and Advocate for Change |
- LEARN MORE ABOUT WHAT IS HAPPENING. There are many forms of abuse that can happen simultaneously. These include emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, social abuse, financial abuse, spiritual abuse, cultural abuse and disability abuse. When a person has been abused over a long period of time, it can be seen as ‘normal’. Your loved one or friend may not know or believe that they are being abused. They may make excuses for the behaviour e.g. “That’s just how he is”, “He only does it when he is drunk”, etc.
When you, as an ally, ask questions about what the abuse looks like, you are
a) continuing to validate your friend or loved one’s experiences,
b) gaining a deeper understanding of the situation, and
c) gathering information that might help you help her.
Source: https://safeandequal.org.au/understanding-family-violence/forms and https://dacssa.org.au/your-rights/disability-abuse/
- MANAGE YOUR OWN RESPONSES. Every situation is different. If you hear things that are difficult or hard to hear, try to keep an even response. Your friend or loved one is assessing you to see how you respond. If it appears you are being traumatized or overwhelmed by what she is sharing, she may shut down. At the same time, it is okay to convey the seriousness of what she is talking about and express your concern or worry for her and the children.
- SUSPEND JUDGEMENT. When we hear about people choosing to use violence and coercive control we often ask, “Why doesn’t she (the victim) leave?” It’s never as simple as that. The victim survivor has already developed coping strategies. They know their abusers, the threats and punishments. The victim survivor is often balancing complex needs for herself and for the children.
Planning for leaving is complicated and may take time, especially if children are involved. In her decision making, your friend or loved one is also probably considering financial factors like work and insurance, stability issues like housing and school, and other factors like closeness to family. She’s likely to be thinking both short term and long term. Listening to her can help her figure out her best options. Leaving the relationship might mean greater physical and emotional safety but it may mean leaving a school that is providing good support to her child. Leaving may mean she is homeless and might lose the children to child protection, or to the person choosing violence.
Even when her choices are hard to understand or different from the ones you might make, assume that her decisions are shaped by the desire for safety, for ending the abuse and trying to do the best by her children.
Remember that some of the formal choices like calling the police, filing for divorce or getting an intervention order may make things worse. Listen and look for her strengths in coping with the situation and protecting the children.
Safety strategies vary depending on the pattern of abuse. One person may choose one safety strategy and another may choose the opposite as a safety strategy for their situation including:
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Keeping a job despite his efforts to sabotage her work |
Quitting her job so he doesn’t target her co-workers |
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Getting an intervention order to keep him away from her |
Not getting an intervention order so as not to escalate the violence |
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Pretending to friends that nothing is wrong so he doesn’t punish her for talking to others |
Telling her friends about his abuse so they can provide support |
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Working hard to placate him so that he doesn’t become abusive to her |
Confronting him on his behaviour so that she has the sense that she is standing up for herself |
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Sending children to their room to prevent them from seeing his violence |
Keeping the children close to her so that she can better monitor their safety |
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Taking children to a refuge/shelter so they are physically safe |
Not taking the children to refuge so they can stay in a familiar environment |
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Taking children to a therapist for help |
Keep children from a therapist because it might escalate his violence |
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Putting herself between him and the children to protect them |
Punishing the children so he won’t punish them worse |
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Reading to her children every night before bed to comfort them |
Focusing on the person who chooses violence at night so the children can go to sleep peacefully |
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Giving her family extensive access to the children so they can support them |
Keeping the children from her family because he acts worse when her family is involved |
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Taking the children to their regular medical appointments so they are cared for |
Keeping them from medical professionals because he doesn’t want the abuse disclosed |
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Moving the children repeatedly to try to keep them safe |
Staying in one place with the abuser to try to keep the children near friends and family |
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Maintaining the household so the children have a normal routine |
Neglecting household tasks because he’s constantly criticizing her for doing everything wrong |
Source: Safe and Together Institute How to be an Ally to a Loved One Experiencing Domestic Violence: A Guide for Family and Friends
- SUPPORT ANY FEELINGS THAT ARISE. Your friend or loved one will probably express many emotions – fear, hopelessness, confusion, grief and anger are very common.
- FIND OUR WHERE HELP AND SUPPORT ARE AVAILABLE. Educate yourself about local refuge and support resources for survivors of violence and coercive control. Even if your friend or loved one isn’t ready to access those services herself or can’t safely access them even, you can provide her with information. Talking to those services can help you as well.
Talk to a lawyer about your loved one’s options related to divorce, custody, and access. The more informed you are, the more you can provide educated guidance. Any or all of these choices to help come with some level of risk for yourself and your loved one. As a friend or a family member, you need to decide what you are willing and able to do.
- OFFER PRACTICAL SUPPORT. Friends and family may need to call law enforcement, get an intervention order that protects them, or reach out for their own supports if they become the target of the person who chooses violence. Help your friend or loved one to develop a safety plan – choices that will improve their safety, that of the children and others around them. Help look for ways to stay connected to things that are important to her and also improve safety. Link to sample safety plans on this website
- UNDERSTAND WHEN YOUR FRIEND OR LOVED ONE MIGHT BE IN DANGER. Some victim survivors will tell you outright, “I’m worried he’s going to kill me.” Take those statements very seriously. In order to help your friend or loved one, especially if they are thinking about leaving the relationship, you need to know some potential indicators of higher levels of danger. Leaving or getting help may actually raise the danger. Increasing erratic behaviour or paranoia, depression, increased substance use can be warning signs of increased danger.
If the person choosing to be violent and coercive has any of the following behaviours, there may be higher levels of danger for your friend or loved one.
• Strangulation attempts
• Use of weapons or assaults that create severe injury
• Alcohol or drug use
• Threats of homicide to her and/or the children
• Threats of suicide
• Extreme jealousy including stalking
• Intense control over day-to-day activities
• Sexual assault
• Physical violence during pregnancy
• History of violence toward others outside the family
If your friend or loved one talks about these behaviours, you can tell her you’re really worried about her safety. Any safety plans need to include her partner’s potential escalation in danger to her, the children and others.
GETTING YOUR OWN HELP
Having a friend or loved one who is abused is hard and scary. It is natural to feel fearful, frustrated, angry and confused – especially if there are children involved. Often, because we are afraid, we want to convince or force the person being abused to leave. This may or may not be the best choice for your loved one.
Being an ally means listening to her understanding of the situation and following her lead. There will be times when you need to reach out to your support network or reach out for professional assistance. Support can help you manage your fears and feelings of powerlessness. Getting your own support can make you a better ally.
REFERENCES
Safe and Together Institute [n.d.] How to be an Ally to a Loved One Experiencing Domestic Violence: A Guide for Family and Friends. https://static1.squarespace.com/static/67be46266cd50424e680e423/t/67db4582fe069d2e913a75ea/1742423429421/A4_AllyDoc_web82520.pdf
Safe and Equal, Forms of Family Violence https://safeandequal.org.au/understanding-family-violence/forms
DACASSA Disability Abuse https://dacssa.org.au/your-rights/disability-abuse/